Supporting Children Through Special Occasions After Someone Has Died

Special occasions can be some of the hardest times for children, young people and whānau after someone they love has died. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, family celebrations, school milestones and other meaningful dates can all bring grief back to the surface, even years after a loss.

Kenzie’s Gift, an Aotearoa New Zealand charity supporting young Kiwis and their whānau through serious illness and grief, has shared helpful guidance on coping with special occasions after someone has died.

The article explains that grief does not follow a simple timeline. While the early days after a death can be incredibly painful, grief can continue to appear at different stages of life, especially when a loved one is missing from important moments.

For tamariki and young people, difficult dates may include obvious occasions such as a loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of their death, wedding anniversaries or major holidays. However, grief can also be triggered by quieter milestones, such as the last day of school, a graduation, a first job, a birthday, or later life events where that person’s absence is deeply felt.

Kenzie’s Gift encourages whānau to remember that every child and every family will grieve differently. Some may want to mark the day by remembering the person who died, while others may find that too painful and prefer to do something completely different. Both responses are valid.

One helpful approach is to talk openly as a family before the occasion arrives. This gives children and young people space to share what they feel comfortable with, whether that is lighting a candle, looking through photos, cooking a favourite meal, visiting a special place, writing a card, or simply having a quiet day.

It is also important to recognise that different people in the same family may need different things. Some may want to talk about the person who died, while others may need a break from the intensity of the day. Creating a small shared moment of remembrance, while also allowing people to step away if they need to, can help make the day feel more manageable.

Parents and caregivers are also reminded to look after themselves. Supporting a grieving child can be emotionally demanding, and special occasions may be painful for adults too. Taking time to rest, connect with supportive friends, prepare a comforting meal, or do something calming can help show children that caring for yourself is also part of coping with grief.

Kenzie’s Gift suggests several gentle ways families can mark special occasions, including creating a memory box, making a photo board, listening to a loved one’s favourite music, writing a letter, gathering with friends and whānau, or starting a memory book that can be added to each year.

The key message is that there is no right or wrong way to face these days. What feels right one year may feel different the next. The most important thing is to approach the occasion with kindness, flexibility and understanding.

Kenzie’s Gift continues to provide resources, support kits and funded one-on-one therapy for young people and families across New Zealand affected by serious illness, grief or bereavement.

To read the full article, visit Kenzie’s Gift here: Coping with special occasions after someone has died.