How to Support a Friend Through Grief: Practical Advice for Young New Zealanders

When a friend’s parent, sibling or someone close to them dies, most people want to help. Many young people also find they have no idea what to say, and worry that saying the wrong thing will make it worse.

That uncertainty is completely normal. The fact that someone is thinking about how to support a grieving friend already shows they care.

Kenzie’s Gift, a New Zealand charity supporting young people affected by grief and serious illness, has put together practical guidance for teenagers and young adults on how to be there for a friend after a death. The guidance is based on what bereaved young people have said helps, and what doesn’t.

There are no perfect words

No single sentence can fix grief. A grieving person cannot be talked out of what they are feeling, and searching for exactly the right thing to say can stop someone from saying anything at all.

A grieving friend does not need answers. What usually helps most is someone who turns up, is willing to sit with difficult emotions, and listens.

Say something, even if it feels awkward

Silence often feels worse to a grieving person than an imperfect message. A simple acknowledgement goes a long way, for example: “I heard about your dad. I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”

One of the most common things bereaved people describe is feeling isolated because friends went quiet. Often those friends stayed away because they were afraid of getting it wrong, not because they didn’t care. To the person grieving, though, the result feels the same.

It also helps to avoid familiar phrases such as “everything happens for a reason” or “they’re in a better place.” Even when meant kindly, these can make a grieving person feel their loss is being brushed aside. Honest and simple is better.

Let them lead

Grief does not follow a pattern. Some days a friend may want to talk about the person who died. On other days they may want to talk about anything else.

A useful approach is to simply ask: “Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather have a distraction today?” Giving them the choice takes pressure off both people.

Friends should also not be afraid to use the name of the person who died. Grieving people often worry that everyone else has already forgotten. Hearing that name can bring comfort rather than pain.

Show up in ordinary ways

Support tends to arrive in a rush in the first few days and weeks, then fade. Grief does not fade on the same schedule. It can continue long after the messages and visits have stopped.

Small, ongoing gestures often matter more than one big gesture. Practical ways to keep showing up include:

• Checking in regularly, not only in the first few weeks
• Noting significant dates such as birthdays and anniversaries, and getting in touch on those days
• Continuing to invite them to things, even if they say no for a while
• Sitting with them at lunch, walking to class or work together, or sending something that might make them laugh
• Treating them as the same person they were before, not only as someone who is grieving

Being invited still matters, even when a grieving friend is not ready to say yes.

What to avoid

Most unhelpful comments come from good intentions. Being aware of a few common pitfalls can make a real difference:

• Comparing losses. Saying “I know how you feel” and describing a different loss, such as the death of a pet, can minimise what the friend is going through.
• Putting a timeline on grief. There is no set point at which someone should be “over it.” Even unspoken pressure to move on can leave a grieving person feeling more alone.
• Talking about their situation behind their back. Even concerned conversations among friends can feel like gossip. A grieving person should be the one to decide what they share and when.

Grief does not always look like sadness

Grief can appear as sadness, but it can also show up as anger, irritability, numbness or difficulty concentrating. A friend may seem completely fine one moment and fall apart the next.

All of this is normal. Grief is not a straight line, and there is no right way to feel.

When a friend is really struggling

Sometimes grief becomes overwhelming. Warning signs that a friend needs more support include withdrawing completely from people, not sleeping or eating, or talking about not wanting to be here anymore.

These signs should always be taken seriously. Kenzie’s Gift encourages young people to tell a trusted adult, such as a parent, teacher, school counsellor or other trusted person, even if their friend has asked them to keep it secret.

Free support is available around the clock in New Zealand:

• 1737: Free call or text, 24 hours a day, to speak with a trained counsellor
• Youthline: For young people aged 12 to 24. Call 0800 376 633 or text 234
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865

For young people who need specialised support, Kenzie’s Gift provides up to 12 fully funded one-on-one therapy sessions with registered mental health professionals. This support is for young New Zealanders aged 3 to 24 whose parent, primary caregiver or sibling has died, or who are facing serious illness in their whānau.

Supporting someone else takes energy

Being there for a grieving friend can feel heavy, especially when the person supporting them has no one to talk to themselves. It is okay to feel out of your depth.

Looking after a friend does not mean ignoring your own wellbeing. Talking things through with a trusted adult, another friend or a support line can help someone stay a steady presence for the person who needs them.

Support designed for young adults

Grief in early adulthood can be particularly isolating. Young people aged 18 to 24 are often juggling study, work, rent and friendships, and may be living away from family for the first time.

To help, Kenzie’s Gift has launched a Young Adult Hub for rangatahi aged 18 to 24. It offers grief resources that can be used without signing up, so young people can start with whatever is most useful to them that day.

About Kenzie’s Gift

Kenzie’s Gift was founded by Nic Russell in memory of her three-year-old daughter, Kenzie. The registered charity supports tamariki and mātātahi across Aotearoa whose parent, caregiver or sibling has died or is seriously ill, as well as young people facing serious illness themselves.

Its team of clinical psychologists and registered psychotherapists has supported more than 6,000 young people through funded therapy, support kits, free online articles and The Grief Podcast. Kenzie’s Gift receives no government funding and relies on donations, fundraising and community support to continue its work.

The full guide, Supporting a Friend Through Grief, is available on the Kenzie’s Gift website, along with other free resources for young people and their whānau.

Being a good friend to someone who is grieving does not require the perfect words. It requires showing up, listening, and continuing to be there long after everyone else has moved on.